Letters
by georgley
Summary: Ryan writes letters


It's been a month, Mom. A month! I miss you, did you know that? I never thought you'd be gone for this long. You've never stayed away for this long before. You always come back in the end, 'cause you need me. We're a team, you used to say. Well, how the hell, are we supposed to be a team when I don't even know where you are, how am I gonna help you now?

It's hard here, harder then I imagined it would be. The Cohen's have been great though. I didn't know families could be this perfect in real life. They talk to each other, a skill we never quite mastered, did we? I don't even know if this letter is ever going to reach you.

God, I can't believe you just walked away again! You said last time that you didn't want to lose me again. Well you haven't Mom. I'm waiting right where you left me.

You are coming back, aren't you Mom?

* * *

I've started school now Mom. I'm going to one of those fancy private schools with a swimming pool and a tennis court. I made the soccer team. Sandy comes to my games, stands at the side of the field and cheers just as loudly as all the other parents. Why didn't you do that, Mom?

You are okay, aren't you? I'm getting worried Mom. Every time I walk down the street, I scan the faces of the people passing by to see if you're there, but you never are. You're probably off getting drunk or hooking up with some new scumbag boyfriend, aren't you? Is it worth it?

My last letter didn't get returned here, so I guess maybe you got it?

Just...call me, Mom, please?

* * *

It's already Thanksgiving Mom, and I still haven't heard from you. I went to visit Trey today. He seemed okay, I guess. He said that you weren't going to visit him. Jesus, Mom, can't you just... I don't know... be there for him.

I guess it was a pretty good day. I ended up eating Chinese take-out because the Turkey got burnt to a crisp. Kinda like our Thanksgiving that year when you were dating Tom and we all got so into the football game that we forgot about the food. I ended up making us all grilled cheese sandwiches. Remember? I missed you today Mom.

Fuck, where are you, Mom? You are okay, aren't you? Please call me. You do have the number, don't you?

* * *

Merry Christmas, Mom. Or as the Cohen's like to call it 'Christmukkah'. Thanks for the presents from you and Trey. Did you send him one from me? I would have sent you something, Mom, but I just... I don't even know if you're getting these letters. But for some stupid reason I can't stop sending them.

Do you remember how we always used to decorate the tree together. That tiny little plastic tree covered in gold tinsel and coloured lights and when we'd finished you always used to step back and say "Look how pretty it is Ryan!" and then, I'd smile and nod. The Cohen's had a real tree, Mom. You would have loved it.

I actually got through a Christmas without a drunken mom or an ass kicking. Now that's what I call a Christmas miracle.

I worry about you. I wonder who you spent your Christmas with but maybe I'm better off not knowing. I hope you're sorting your life out. I hope that you're happy. I am.

I'll see you soon... maybe... whenever you're ready, Mom. I'll be here.

* * *

It's my birthday today, Mom. Are you thinking about me? Or are you too drugged up to remember what day it is? Do you miss me?

I actually made it to 17.

I had this whole fantasy planned out in my head where you came back. Sober, holding down a good job and you'd be so sorry that you left me and you'd hug me. But you didn't come back and you're probably not sober and I doubt that you're holding down a job but I still like to think that you're sorry you left me.

The Cohen's took me out for dinner and it kinda reminded me of when Trey turned 17 and we all went out to that restaurant you were working at. That was a good night. Remember how Trey was hitting on that waitress?

I don't know if you're reading this but if you are, I love you Mom, and I miss you and I hope that you're okay.

* * *

God, Mom! It's been a year. A year since you walked away from me. I still don't even know why you did it? Was it me? Cause if it was, I'm sorry.

I've actually gone a whole year now without any broken bones. That's gotta be some sort of record for me, right Mom? I wonder where I would be now if I'd never left Chino. I miss it there some of the time. I miss you a lot of the time.

The Cohen's bought me a present to celebrate my one year anniversary of living with them. I was surprised that they had even remembered. Did you remember?

When are you coming back? I thought for sure you would have been back by now. Are you okay? Please Mom... just let me know.

* * *

You're not coming back this time are you, Mom?

Do you know what I realised Mom? The Cohen's aren't the perfect family but it doesn't really matter in the end cause they love each other and they never give up. They never stop trying to be better and make each other better. That's how they're different to us. Cause you stopped trying, somewhere along the way, you gave up. Well, now I'm giving up. I'm done, Mom.

See the thing is, even if you did come back, I couldn't go with you, I couldn't leave the Cohen's. Cause it's not supposed to be my job to take care of you. Did you know that Mom, did you?

I love you Mom, but I can't do this anymore.

* * *

I declared my major today. Architecture. Big surprise, right? Things are going pretty well at the moment. My classes are great and the people here are really nice. I'm getting used to living in the dorms but my roommate snores and I've gotta tell you, it's driving me crazy.

Seth has developed a nasty habit of forgetting about the time difference and calling me at 3 o'clock in the morning. But anyway it sounds like he's enjoying college as well.

I met a girl. We've been together now for a few months but I didn't want to say anything earlier.. Different from the girls back home. Not as obsessed with shopping, I guess. She wants to be an elementary school teacher and she volunteers to tutor kids. She says she can't wait to meet you.

You and Sandy are coming to visit soon, right? Anyway, I better go now or I'll be late to class. Call me.


End file.
